My Child Has Three Fillings and I Feel Like I've Failed as a Mother

I want to start here, before any of the dental stuff.

Guilt is one of the heaviest things a parent can carry. And it's so easy to turn one thing, like a dental check-up that didn't go the way you hoped, into proof that you're getting everything wrong.

You're not.

You're a mum who cares so much about her child's teeth that she wrote to a dentist about it. A mother who'd "failed" wouldn't be lying awake worrying about fillings. You're worrying because you love them.

Please hold on to that.

When parents sit in my chair feeling ashamed, they often assume every other child has perfect teeth. They don't.

The latest national survey of 5-year-olds in England found that 22.4% had visible tooth decay. That's more than one in five children, before they've even settled into school. And among the children who had decay, it affected an average of 3.5 teeth.

So three teeth needing fillings isn't unusual. Lots of loving, careful, brilliant parents are in exactly the same position. They just don't tend to talk about it at the school gate.

Here's something I wish more parents understood. A filling isn't a mark of failure. It's a sign that the decay was spotted and dealt with.

The children I worry about most aren't the ones with fillings. They're the ones who aren't being seen at all, where decay goes unnoticed until it causes pain, infection, or a tooth that needs to come out.

Your child was taken to the dentist. Someone looked. Someone found the problem. And it was fixed. That's prevention and care working the way they should.

When parents feel guilty, they often go looking for the one thing they did wrong. The juice. The bedtime biscuit. The nights brushing got skipped because everyone was exhausted.

But decay is rarely down to one single thing. It's usually a mix of factors, including:

• How often teeth meet sugar. Frequent snacks and sugary drinks through the day give teeth less time to recover.
• Brushing and fluoride. Fluoride toothpaste strengthens enamel, and brushing removes the plaque bacteria that make acid.
• The shape of the teeth. Some children have deep grooves in their back teeth that trap food and are hard to clean.
• Enamel. Baby teeth have thinner enamel than adult teeth, so decay can spread through them more quickly, and some children's enamel is weaker than others'.
• Saliva. Saliva helps protect teeth, and it varies from person to person.
• Hidden sugars. Plenty of foods marketed as healthy, like some yoghurts, cereal bars and fruit juices, contain a surprising amount of sugar.

Two children can have very similar diets and routines, and one can get decay while the other doesn't. That's not about who has the better mum.

This is where the guilt can turn into something useful. Not a complete overhaul. Just a few steady changes.

1. Look at the timing of sugar, not just the amount

The biggest difference often comes from keeping sweet foods and drinks to mealtimes rather than spreading them through the day. Every time sugar arrives, it starts a new acid attack. Fewer attacks means more time for teeth to recover. I explain this in my Halloween sweets post, and it applies all year round.

2. Make water and milk the everyday drinks

Squash, juice and fizzy drinks can be some of the sneakiest sources of sugar, and sipping them slowly is particularly hard on teeth. Even sugar-free fizzy drinks are acidic, as I explained in is Diet Coke bad for your teeth?

3. Get the brushing routine solid

According to the NHS guidance on children's teeth:

• brush twice a day with fluoride toothpaste, last thing at night and one other time
• use a smear of toothpaste for under-3s and a pea-sized amount for 3 to 6-year-olds
• spit, don't rinse, so the fluoride stays on the teeth
• help younger children brush, and supervise and check older ones

4. Ask about extra protection

The NHS says children should be offered fluoride varnish at least twice a year from age 3. Once the permanent back teeth come through, at around age 6 or 7, fissure sealants can also be offered, to protect those deep grooves. If your child has already had fillings, it's worth asking your dentist what extra prevention would help them most.

5. Keep up regular check-ups

Regular visits mean any new problems are caught early, while they're small. NHS dental care for children is free. Here's how often to see a dentist, and what children's dentistry involves.

Children pick up on our feelings very quickly. If they sense that their fillings have made you upset or ashamed, they might start to feel that they've done something wrong, or become worried about the dentist.

So keep it light and positive:

• No blame. "Your teeth needed a bit of help, and the dentist fixed them. Well done for being so brave."
• Make it a team effort. "Let's look after our teeth together." Brush alongside them if you can.
• Celebrate the good stuff. Praise great brushing and brave dentist visits, rather than focusing on what went wrong.
• Keep the dentist friendly. Talk about check-ups as normal and positive, never as a punishment or a threat.

Some parents are told "they're only baby teeth, they'll fall out anyway", and then feel confused about why fillings were needed at all.

Baby teeth matter. Some of them stay until around 11 or 12. They help children eat, speak and smile, and they hold space for adult teeth. Decay in baby teeth can cause pain and infection, so treating it is the right thing to do. I've written more about why baby teeth matter.

I'm a dentist. I'm also a mum. And I know that no parent gets everything right, every day. Some nights the teeth get brushed perfectly. Some nights everyone's so tired that it's a quick scrub and straight to bed. That's real life.

Being a good parent isn't about never making mistakes. It's about noticing, caring, and doing a little better when you know more.

And that's exactly what you're doing.

Is it my fault my child has fillings? Tooth decay usually has several causes, including how often teeth meet sugar, brushing, fluoride, saliva and the shape of the teeth. It's rarely down to one thing, and fillings mean the problem has been treated.

How common is tooth decay in children? The 2024 national survey found that 22.4% of 5-year-olds in England had visible tooth decay.

How can I stop my child needing more fillings? Keep sugar to mealtimes, choose water or milk to drink, brush twice a day with fluoride toothpaste, and keep up regular check-ups. Ask your dentist about fluoride varnish and fissure sealants.

Do baby teeth need fillings if they'll fall out? Often, yes. Some baby teeth stay until around 11 or 12, and untreated decay can cause pain and infection.

To the mum who emailed me: you haven't failed. Not even close.

Your child's teeth were looked after. The problem was found, and it was fixed. And now, because you care so much, you're going to help them build habits that will protect their teeth for years to come.

That isn't failing. That's mothering.

Please be as kind to yourself as you are to your child. You're doing a wonderful job.

This article is general information. It is not personal dental advice.